Gym Bully

I was getting changed in the gym the other day and I saw a schoolkid boasting to his friends about how he'd 'constructively' broken down another kid's confidence by repeating tauntings about his sexual shortcomings. Talking about how this kid had a small dick and couldn't ejaculate and how he was going to carry on with his character annihilation until he had broken this poor unknown victim.

The schoolkid was about my height, six two, probably around sixteen and powerfully built for his age. His two friends were much smaller. I had my back to him as he was boasting to his friends, who weren't really joining in with it, just sitting there. It made my blood boil. I looked around and one of the kids looked really uncomfortable and for a second I thought he may be the subject of the conversation, but this couldn't have been the case, unless the bully was taking extremely theatrical and surreal liberties with his use of the third person. He didn't seem to have the ingenuity.

They walked off and I (fresh off my last intervention, which has left me with a tiny yet seemingly permanent scar - see my 'Breaking it up' post) did nothing but feel sorry for the poor lad being spoken about and angry at the bully's nature...it was obviously insecurity and projection writ large and this unknown kid was paying for it, probably because some aspect of his character projected a weakness that the bully detected in himself and subsequently loathed.

Would this nasty kid ever understand? Would he ever work out the demon inside of him that drove him to be so persecutory was coming from a place of weakness? Would the bullied kid be ok? Would he have a sick feeling in his stomach every time he went to school? All through my workout I alternated between thinking that I should have calmly addressed this kid's behaviour in the hope of educating him in some way and the law of the jungle rule...natural selection, don't get in the way. The 'strong' prey on the 'weak' and this kid would have to work stuff out for himself...also was I getting the wrong end of the stick completely? Was the bully actually the bullied and using the environment to get some sort of verbal revenge in a way he never would in this other kid's presence? From his demeanour and physical build I doubted it. Why did I even take this on in the first place...was it a case of having too much empathy or too little...was I just projecting from having been bullied a bit myself when I was younger?

Back in the changing room he was there again, but this time with two other guys, older and his size. They were talking about a fight that had occurred in that locker room, the previous Saturday. He was describing some 'boys from Brixton' jumping over the barrier, having a workout and then starting on some innocent  members of the gym. This isn't a 'ghetto' gym by any means...it's the David Lloyd in Kingston.

 I interrupted their conversation and asked him what had happened and he told me the story. Him and his friends didn't quite know how to take me...I was wearing nothing but a towel. Their confusion at my open natured semi-clothed intrusion meant that they simply accepted me into the conversation because they weren't sure what else to do. This bully kid was taking a nasty delight in describing what had happened...at first I thought that he was one of the guys that had been attacked before he said as he was leaving, 'they were my boys, innit'.

The guy was just a nasty, spiteful ignorant riot-type who seemed to delight in the idea of threat and violence. If I'd have said something earlier, he wouldn't have listened to me in the least, he would probably have gotten aggressive and returned with his friends and I might have been facing three of these dudes. Naked.

I know it's not on me at all. It has nothing to do with me and I've learnt my lesson before, but there is seemingly no way of avoiding the powerless angst that follows encounters with individuals like this. You just have to hope that karma evens out the misery for guys like this and hopefully, he might one day work a few things out. What do I do next time I see this guy? Probably quietly seethe. What else can I do?

Bad Gig

On Saturday I had my first bad gig for a little while and it was entirely my fault. Oh dear.

Thursday and Friday I had a great time, really enjoyed myself at my gigs and went home with that buzzy excited contentment that you get as a comic after a good night. Especially Friday, where I felt like I'd faced down some hecklers really well and turned a potentially tough room around in my favour.

Saturday was a gig in the same venue as Friday. They were a nicer crowd. MC and first act had done great. I'll smash this thank you and head into my Sunday/Monday weekend feeling all happy with myself. I'll probably treat myself to a baguette on the train home cos I'm so ace. A baguette and a magazine about cage-fighting.

What a bellend.

I wasn't in a bad mood when I arrived at the gig, but I was in a complacent one, which is arguably a worse state to be in before a gig. The complacency wasn't based on the quality of the venue by any means...the gig is very well run and always great fun to play...hmmm...always...until tonight. My complacency was based on me having a good run and not respecting the nature of my job to its fullest, a state I haven't really found myself in for some time. I was actually unaware of what was going on in my head at the time... I was fairly pleased with myself and thought I was just relaxed.

I came onstage in quite a low energy state. I got a wolf whistle. I have a line to deal with that which gets a good response most of the time. This time it got nothing, the reason being that with hindsight it only works if I've made my character look friendly/warm/humble. If I seem disinterested or disengaged, it can make me look like an arrogant prick...yup...

Then a loud drunk female voice at the back...now it's time for some of my spontaneous brilliance...but again, contextually with my low key beginning, instead of looking decisive and skillful I look scornful and harsh. I went in too hard. Now I'm arrogant AND aggressive and I've been mean to a lady at the back. Instead of a vulnerable comedian beating back a bullying heckler (yay) I've been a loudmouth onstage attacking an innocent who just wants to join in (boo). Where a verbal hug would have worked wonders, I've thrown a nasty right hook.

I can get this back with my material...but the material which flies so well most nights had a new background. If i'm bumbling, vulnerable and silly, then it's great. If I've come across as aloof (which I have so far) it sounds harsh and jarring. I'm getting a few good laughs but it's mostly people laughing at the bizarre nature of my stage presence this evening...and it's a few isolated pockets of people at the front.

I can literally feel my aura wither. My throat tightens up a bit and time goes weird. At a GREAT gig a few things happen...you feel powerful and in control, like you could pretty much say anything and it would work. There's so much space on the stage and in your mind and when heckles come at you, it's like they're in Matrix bullet time...you can dodge easily and your mind throws the perfect response your way, which you channel out to the crowd. At a great gig I feel like I'm having an out of body experience sometimes, like I'm not in control of what is going on, I'm just a passive observer. At this gig I felt like I was driving a coach full of people too fast along a precarious hilltop and I could go over the side at any minute.

I didn't die. I got that coach under control. I went into survival mode and got a late equaliser, ending the night with a dubious score draw on a really old bit that works when I  push the boat out on it energy wise, but I didn't feel at all happy when I came offstage. After the applause died down there was an instant chatter among the crowd about what they'd just seen. I couldn't make out specifics, but most of it seemed pretty bemused.

It's such an obvious rule of comedy...your first 30 seconds onstage will completely define the rest of your set and it's soooo important to make that first impression, otherwise you really are swimming against the tide. I was really annoyed with myself on the train home, (eating beef jerky and reading a discarded paper) because it's such a basic thing to screw up as a comic. My number one danger area in stand-up is coming across cocky and aggressive and unfortunately that can be where my personality can default to onstage as some kind of defense mechanism.

BUT these are the gigs that we learn from as comics and are arguably the most valuable. I will not forget the importance of a first impression in a hurry and I imagine this experience will help cement that in my mind.

Next gig is tomorrow. There's going to be one happy/silly/vulnerable/ humble comedian bounding onstage, of that you can have no doubt.

Having a day off

Me 'I'm having a day off today'
Rest of The World 'What do you mean? You do stand up, every day is a day off for you dickhead.'

In a way I'm jealous of  9-5ers...you have set boundaries for your working life. You clock in, you do your stuff...you tit about on facebook for the last hour on a Friday and then you clock off into pure funtime.

Massive generalisation I know, but here's the thing. If you are a stand up or a self employed person, you have to set those boundaries for yourself, which is a lot harder than you think it will be. Time spent not working (writing, planning, gig booking) is plagued by the notion that you should be working...the kind of work stand-ups have to do when they're not gigging is hard to quantify and can also be at the whim of inspiration.

So you can have days where you feel you should be working but there's no mojo there...there's nothing to write and it's hard to just settle into accepting that you're going to have an unproductive day. Why do you think I started this blog???

I can't quote the study properly but I remember reading that the human brain has an intrinsic need to work, to the point where if someone is doing no 'work' for long periods of time they will automatically define certain periods of leisure in their sub-conscious as 'putting a shift in'. The brain needs to feel it is exerting some form of effort, which is presumably a sub-conscious survival instinct.

So an unemployed person might put in a gruelling six hours on their x-box, which the sub-conscious will define as a  'work shift' thereby righting that wrong.

The way this manifests itself for me as a comedian is constantly trying to think of new material, new directions and spending gruelling six hour shifts on my xbox. Seriously.

But the stress of constantly trying to think of shit I should be doing (xbox aside)  is kind of like a workday in itself, with an inbuilt nagging boss that sometimes you have to tell to back off, hence the statement at the beginning.

The answer is simply good organisation, goal setting, discipline and when the time comes the ability to shut yr mind off for a day or two and simply enjoy the fact that you're lucky enough to do a job you love. Even if your boss can be a dick sometimes. Today I've spent about three hours worrying about not writing, two hours  putting writing off and about an hour writing. I'm exhausted.